Dreamland

Last night I dreamed I had chickens and children running willy nilly around our yard at twilight.

There were cars driving in and people roaming our property.

I cracked open a Mike's Hard Limeade and drank it.

Perhaps I have feelings I've lost control...

The Mom Trophy

Almost a year ago I took at very memorable trip to Austria with my mom, my mother-in-law, and sister-in-law.

While there, my mom told me she wanted to get me something because every mother should have one and it would be a special remembrance from our trip.

The other day, I unearthed it from its hiding place, tucked behind my bathroom mirror, {for safe keeping from busy little hands that were playing with it like an action figure.}

When I first brought it home it sat on the windowsill by my bed.

One morning I was trying to ignore the squirming little bodies beside me so I could sneak a few extra minutes of sleep when I heard the boys whispering...

Charlie: "What's that?!"  little finger pointing toward the windowsill.

Carl: in an all-knowing big-brother voice "Don't you know?!  ...  That's the mom trophy."

I opened my eyes and hugged them both.

So sweet and adorable.

Now here it is, my mom trophy...

That smart little boy was pretty right on, funny I'd never thought of her in that way before.

10 years already?!

How on earth can it be that today marks the 10th year of our marital bliss?!

I feel like just yesterday I was 17, on the roof of the Capitol building (scaring the heck out of Mark) and rounding the corner to find the dozen roses left with a note asking me to homecoming.

But yet, that event is coming on 19 years go!

Holy moly.
What a whirlwind.

I often wonder what it will be like to have an uneventful year.

Then I wonder how long it will before we have that uneventful year.

I'm not complaining, I wouldn't change a thing.

So much as happened in the past 10 years:

Mark was just a little into his career as a firefighter

I started my first real professional position (and will forever love Tacoma and all its wackiness because of it)

We restored a BEAUTIFUL 1923 house

We had our first baby

We sold our BEAUTIFUL 1923 house

I started consulting so I could be home with the kid(s)

We had another baby

We designed another house, Mark cleared the land for it himself, contracted all the subs to get the structure up, then sold it

We lost my dad

We designed and built another house- most of which was built by Mark's two hands

We had another baby

We moved into that house {at my urging} a little pre-maturely - running water came soon after and really, who needs door knobs...? [SO SORRY I RUSHED YOU HONEY]

We had yet another and final baby

Mark promoted to Lieutenant

We built (are building) a "barn"...

That's just to name a few things. 

There's all the first days of school (coming up on a fourth grader, first grader, and two pre-schoolers), sports, more special, special people lost, learning to ride bikes, first sleepovers, a family trip to Disneyland, boats, campers and travel trailers, and all the fun annual traditions we can think of to squeeze in.

I can't imagine sitting twiddling my thumbs. 

I really don't know if that day will come, with the fast pace we've set for ourselves- it's looking doubtful...

But if ever there was another soul I'd like to navigate these white waters with, it will always be my better half.
There's no one more funny, kind, or generous.  I couldn't have asked for a better husband, best friend or father for my children.  He's ambitious, with an enviable work ethic, and able to do or build anything we dream up.

Time and time again, I will always choose him.

Here's to another 10 years of whirlwinds.

Boys Are Like Puppies

Their hair smells like puppies when their hair is wet.

They run

and run

and run

chasing all kinds of things.

And sometimes, if you're really, really lucky

you can snuggle them while they twitch in their sleep.

Like sleeping puppies who sometimes look like they're running in their sleep- chasing birds or bunnies, mice or moles.

Tonight my sleeping boy was twitching in his sleep and I got to snuggle him close and feel him re-enacting his day...

sliding down a super-big blow-up water slide

bouncing on a bounce house

swinging at not one but two different pinatas

jumping on a trampoline

ordering from a very sweet lemonade stand

wrestling all manner of kids- big and small

and partaking in a super marshmallow fight.

A nice end to a fun day celebrating not one but two little girls turning the big six.

Sweet dreams my Charlie Bear.

Maybe I Was A Blue Heeler In A Past Life

Maybe I was a Blue Heeler in a past life.

Actually, I think I must have been.

I can relate to those nervous dogs when they pace around trying to gather up the strays into a closer group.

That's how I feel when my kids scatter, especially when we aren't at home or in a comfortable environment.

For instance, today.

I'm camping on Hood Canal with my own herd +1 while poor Mark works his tail off trying to wrap up a few projects on the barn to seal it up for fall and winter (and to get ready for siding and doors).

It's my first solo camping trip and so far so good.

Except for feeling like a nervous Blue Heeler.

Camping is such a great way for me to not obsess about getting chores done or crossing off things on my to do list. Of course it takes a couple of days of crazy to do lists before departure, but it's worth enjoying all that "get ahead" work while camping.

And this trip I didn't bring my computer or a tv or DVDs.

No screen time.

I was most nervous about the mornings.

But this morning was awesome.

I took my "shower" (really washing under the faucet in our mini-bathtub) last night and set up the coffee pot so all I had to do was hit on this morning. That way I could jump into pancake making and sausage browning first thing this morning.

There are great climbing trees at our site.

There's a path through the campground.

There's a playground. There's a fantastic beach that drastically changes with the tides- like a different beach each time we visit it. Perfect for skipping rocks at high tide. Great shell picking at low tide.

The problem is the kids scatter.

At the beach

and on their bikes.

Even I hate the sound of my own voice.

Sarina and Carl! Wait up!

The nervous Blue Heeler in me worries about what happens when the ones ahead on bikes face off with cars and I'm behind a curve and can't see to warn (not that they even register my voice 95% of the time).

The nervous Blue Heeler in me worries about the sink holes or current or sharp barnacles at
low tide when they're spread out 4 football fields apart (usually in pairs).

And the nervous Blue Heeler in me worries about the current and dunking underwater when I don't see it.

But it's worth the nagging voice (urrgh!)

and quick heartbeats every now and then

to see them up in trees,

zipping around on bikes like they own the place,

fencing with the flag sticks,

licking ice cream off their hands,

sipping roopy-dear,

and the firelight flickering on their tired little faces at the end of a sun filled, action packed day.

But oh sweet Jesus- a 20 something guy all tattooed up (don't get me wrong I like some tattoos but on some people they look a little menacing) drove up asking if we'd seen his blond pit bull with cropped ears. That's what makes this Blue Heeler's ears prick up...

Now about the food:)

Our camping meals with all the prep work done before departure include:

Pancakes and sausage (pre-cooked turkey sausage patties from Costco- sarina's the only one who doesn't approve)
And scrambled eggs and bacon

Pb & nutella or turkey or salami sandwiches for lunch
(I did pack cup-a-noodle too- junk food when camping is part of the experience...right?)

Trader joe's pizza dough fried in my electric skillet topped with pizza sauce, cheese and turkey pepperoni for the kids

Then Trader joe's pizza dough also fried in the skillet topped with peanut sauce, smoked Gouda, shredded chicken, cilantro, chives, roasted peppers and sauteed yellow zucchini for me. There's a lot left over..

Tonight it's my take on Top Foods old BBQ chicken salad (lettuce, shredded jicama, black beans, corn, chopped red onion, shredded cheese, chopped red and orange bell peppers, shredded chicken, dressed with sweet baby ray's BBQ sauce and mexicali dressing. Yum!

Tomorrow night green salad with Mexicali dressing and bean and cheese taquitos.

For dessert I have ice cream sandwiches (chocolate chip cookies with homemade vanilla edges rolled in sprinkles), homemade mint chocolate chip ice cream in cones, and s'mores (either traditional or with reeces peanutbutter cups).

Oh and coffee lots of coffee. Hot in the morning, iced in the afternoon. Still black since the diet, big change for this old dog:)

Birthday Boy

We say that we love our children all the same, but I don't think that's entirely true. 

I think that the way we feel about each individual child is different and set by a huge variety of factors- birth order, temperament, sweetness, spunkiness, curiosity, sense of humor, intelligence, compassion, the list goes on and on and on and on. 

That doesn't mean we love one more than another, we just love them differently.

Yesterday my Carl turned 7 years old.

I cannot believe that he is now a big 7 year old boy.

He's all about playing baseball and basketball, and now enjoys watching sports (in person and on TV).  He loves to ride his bike and build legos, and still plays with cars, boats, and trailers like he did when he was two.

But he's also learning how to make armpit fart noises and has an opinion about wearing sports clothes more often than not.

He's getting bigger.

Carl was born during a year in my life that was full of change.

We'd sold our first house (the house that I LOVED) so that Mark could build us a dream home.  I think that was how Sarina learned about the emotion sad- I cried everytime we pulled into the driveway of our house after we signed the papers to sell it. 

We moved into a modest 2 bedroom rental house across town.

I stopped working full time and starting consulting so that I could be with the kids more (yay!).  But had to learn how to work for myself- no sick days, way less pay, and keeping customers happy...

It was also a time when Mark was working tirelessly to build us a new house. 

Mark's Grandma Mable joined Grandpa Carl in heaven.

And my dad was battling colon cancer.

I remember sitting in the room with my dad while he was getting his doses of chemo.  How weird and sad it felt to be pregnant while my dad was having poison pumped into his body.

Carl came into this world 9 weeks before my dad left it.  Carl's sweet stoic little face has always seemed like an old soul to me.  He was a constant source of joy and affection when I was so sad and feeling so old-almost 30...

I packed him to work with me for almost a year, while the historic district in Steilacoom was in such turmoil that we had to stop issuing building permits for several months to straighten it up.  He was happy and content the whole time he was at work with me.  Of course once he was old enough to eat something (he NEVER took a bottle) I was able to leave him with his daddy and big sister.

He's always been easy to please (except when it came to a bottle) and full of love and light. 

He was the little boy who would sit quietly at my side for an hour in the waiting room of the Thurston County Building Department, playing with his matchbox cars, perfectly content.

He didn't talk much until he was almost 3.  But his little face lit up like the sun when something made him happy.  He absolutely glowed and you knew exactly how he felt.

Now he's all about dumping out his 300 marbles (maybe I should have thought about that gift a little more before giving it) and armpit farts, and wii games, and sports.

But I'm so thankful he still needs a good snuggle every now and then.  That he loves playing catch with his daddy more than anything in the world.  That he still adores his big sister- who leads the way for him.  That he plays well with his little brother.  And that he delights in his crazy, sassy baby sister. 

Every night I thank God that I get to be his mama.

I am so lucky.

Camping - Vacation Part 2

A couple of things before I get to the camping...

I know I said that I'm writing this blog to document some of the craziness of my life for the kids to reflect back on some day in the distant future.

But, I'm finding that it feels good to learn that people enjoy reading it.

This vacation my brother told me that this blog is his guilty pleasure.  Awwww.  So sweet.  Glad that it's enjoyed by my big brother who has lived too far away for most of our lives.  He's such a great person, dad, son, and brother.  I wish I could spend more time with him and his whole family.  Love them all to pieces, even if I never do get to see them.

I also learned that my big sister enjoys the blog too.  Also, great because she lives all the way across the country and I don't get to talk to her as much as I'd like to.  At least these ramblings can give them both a peek into my family circus.  Maybe see a little of what I remember of our family life.

So, blog #3 of the day is to make up for lost time and I feel a little less weird about it knowing that my big brother looks forward to these postings...

And, the beauty of a blog is that you don't have to read it- just ignore it if you think I'm being long winded and annoying here.

From Coeur d'Alene we loaded all 6 of us into the truck and headed back to Leavenworth for another sleepover and to pick up the travel trailer for our next leg of the trip.  Our now annual camping trip with two families Mark and I have known since school days.

This is our second year at Confluence State Park in Wenatchee.  It's a great place for kids our kids' ages.  The campground is relatively transparent so we can watch the kids ride their bikes on big and small loops.  We always get the spots next to a little playground so the kids can amble over there to play on the slide and tire swing.  Bobby always brings a kiddie pool which is genius for keeping the kids cool (grown ups too every now and then).

I love that we make this an annual camping trip with these families.  My memories are spending summers at the lake with cousins.  My kids memories will be camping with two families each year.  We've been going since Carl was a baby and I see continuing until they're too old to go with us.  Maybe that will be never...?

I realized that this is the first year we've gone with a 3 year old and no baby in tow.  It was actually liberating.  We were able to go on bike rides.  I got to go for runs with the mamas.  Mark and I even went white water rafting (more on that later...).  I can see how much more these trips will feel like vacation in the upcoming years.  It was the first time I could sit down and look through a magazine and not feel terrified that one of the kids would wander away. 

Maybe because I'm getting complacent...

maybe because they're getting bigger...

either way it was nice.

It always seems to take a good 2-4 days of breaking in to vacation sleep schedule.  We'll put the kids in bed way later than typical for our household but they still wake at the crack of dawn for the first couple of days.  Then comes the sweet spot where they go to bed later- literally fall into bed and zzzzzzzzzzzzz -then sleep til a decent hour- 7 to 8am ish.  It's so much more pleasant than waking at 5am then trying to figure out how to keep one or more child quiet while holding your breath that the rest sleep just a little bit longer.  All without coffee.

This trip we had the break in at the condo in Coeur d'Alene so we were golden in the trailer where there's no where to escape and keep quiet.  Phew!

Another genius plan for camping is we each take turns cooking dinner for the families.  So great to have someone else cooking for you.  We were a little lame in our taco salad and hamburgers this year.  But I made the La Fuentes cabbage salsa for the taco salad which was a little break from the norm (I'll post the recipe below) and Mark makes a mean burger (rivals the demo burger at Lakefair in my book) on the outdoor griddle with sauteed onions and cheese.

Our friend Robin made her amazing pork tacos with a chipotle pineapple coleslaw and Bree did steaks, potato salad, green salad and grilled cabbage that could be my new favorite grilled item.

We were spoiled this year, my sister and brother-in-law took the kids for us for a day while Mark and I went white water river rafting.

I hadn't taken that type of adventure since my days as a camper at Camp Houston, a lifetime ago.

I was moderately nervous after learning that a 69 year old woman died rafting with her family in front of my brother-in-law's mom's house on the same river we were about to head out on.  But was reassured that we wouldn't be going on that part of the river and would be perfectly safe.

As we were preparing to head out I listened carefully to all my instructions for rafting: if you go in, keep your feet up and let the river carry you til one of the kayakers can get to you, there are more rapids and less hazards on this river, the difference between paddle (80%) and paddle hard (100%), etc.  I actually opted out of the girly life vest for the one that was less attractive but with 25 more something or other for more buoyancy.  And I was talked into wearing 2 wet suits AND a helmet.

Boy am I glad.

Because apparently our raft was a little too light for the bu%* hole rapid. 

It flipped us before I knew what was happening. 

First rapid out of the gates then 300 yards of rapids to go before smooth waters again (not to mention the rapid arrival of a dam). 

I was so stunned I didn't really know how exactly I made it into the water but I knew to keep my feet above water and go with the flow. 

About the time I was realizing this I heard a gurgle gurgle behind my left shoulder and up pops Mark.  He'd been stuck under the raft but tried to get out and find me. 

Thank God. 

I was so relieved to grab his shoulder and to hear him say, "we're ok" over and over again. 

Well...  he did get a little quiet when he saw us heading into the "eye hole" rapid (close neighbor to the one that bucked us out of our raft). 

But I sure needed that reassurance. 

It felt like an eternity before we hit a patch of water that wasn't constantly breaking or about to break over our heads. 

It was nice to know that I did get my head and remember my instructions. 

I'm a little peeved that Mark risked himself to try to keep me floating a little higher- he kept his feet down to push me up.  I think I'd rather suck a little water and keep him than breathe free and clear while risking his safety...

Looking back I'm impressed that I even had the presence of mind to check that he was still wearing his wedding ring.  A ring that had been his grandfather's wedding ring and has even traveled through some exotic places...

Eventually, the poor guide (who volunteered his time and equipment to take us) was able to right the raft again in the water, then pull himself and us rafters back into the boat.  I was terrified the first couple of rapids we encountered but I'm sure glad that we took that trip. 

A little time during daylight hours with your husband and no kids in sight plus a little adrenaline can do wonders for your soul. 

And obviously a happy ending can't be beat.

La Fuente's Cabbage Salsa
(from a yummy restaurant in Wenatchee- theirs is way better than mine so if you're in town you have to stop by and try it)

1 head shredded cabbage
3 Roma tomatoes chopped
1/2 medium red onion chopped
1 bunch cilantro, also chopped
1/2 can pickled jalapenos + juice from the can
2 limes- juiced
3 oranges- juiced
2/3 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp pepper

*watch the jalapeno, the spice can creep up on you and overtake the recipe
**I think this would be really good on fish tacos with a little sour cream Mexicali dressing too

Family Reunion Vacation Part 1

We're just home from a wonderfully long vacation.

Since I work for myself (not that it's all that often) we don't usually get long stretches of vacation because if I don't work, I don't get paid.  But, it's a slow time in the building market.  There aren't a lot of proposed changes to registered historic buildings in Steilacoom or Lakewood, so we could get away and I wouldn't face a bunch of angry building owners upset about their properties being regulated then not being able to talk to me about it- asap...

First stop for this traveling circus was Leavenworth, where we barged in on my sister-in-law and her family to drop off our travel trailer for the upcoming week we'd spend in Coeur d'Alene and have a sleepover.  I know hosting a family of 6 is daunting, but she's always so nice to take us in. 

Fortunately, my mom took the oldest off our hands for the drive to Coeur d'Alene so we were only 5 in the truck when it broke down SIX miles outside Cle Elum for our unscheduled stop alongside I-90.

It took 4 hours of logistic wrangling to fix the truck (SO nice to have a handy husband who can do everything from change a diaper to replace the power steering cooler on a truck).  This little layover would have been MUCH shorter if that darn NAPA had delivered the part a mere SIX miles down the road to us. 

Grrrrr. 

Life lessons. 

And thankfully we were down from 4 to 3 kiddos to entertain for that 4 hour stretch while poor Mark had to figure out how to repair the truck and navigate the truck and trailer off I-90 without power steering or breaks (good thing he's strong:)

Then on to Coeur d'Alene for a massive family reunion.  My grandparents had 3 kids, each of whom had 4 kids, adding up to 12 grandchildren.  Those 12 grandchildren blossomed into 29 great-grandchildren ranging in age from 21 to 16 months.

When they were young adults my grandparents purchased lakefront property with two other couples on Mica Bay of Coeur d'Alene Lake.  This is where they spent the summers with their children and subsequently us grandchildren, who also had the benefit of spending summers there- on a delightfully neutral territory.

I was really probably there for only a week or so but to me it WAS summer. 

I got to spend time with my cousin Jana- who I looked forward to seeing every summer, we'd convince ourselves that our grandpa's snores were a bear coming to get us up in the sleeping loft above our grandparent's room. 

All the cousins went water skiing, except Melissa {a big sorry from your selfish big sister}, swimming, piling off the "flatty" boat to climb up then jump off Frog Rock, rowing in the little rowboat, we read books, did puzzles (an awesome banana puzzle that was all yellow except for the dole sticker), had fires in the outdoor fireplace on the bulkhead watching the bats swoop in the fading daylight. 

It was perfection. 

And all 12 of us were able to feel like we belonged there.

This summer we all went back to Coeur d'Alene and had the amazing gift of watching our children play on the lake together.  It's an incredible feeling to watch that many little people zipping around and know that they all share great grandparents.  And boy are there some strong family genes.

I wasn't prepared to feel so emotional about going back to Mica Bay. 

I'd driven by in a boat in the years since my grandparents sold the cabin and I'd scoffed at how ridiculous the architectural changes are to that once distinctive modern building. 

But I hadn't set foot on a dock or the beach until this trip. 

We all headed via boat back to Mica Bay to spread some of my grandparent's ashes in the lake that held our family like glue.  The moment I stepped onto our (ok mammy and papa's) neighbor's dock (she still lives there) I felt the tears and my throat tightened as I tried not to blubber.  During any tearful goodbye my grandpa would tell the story about an Aunt Annie (?) who would cry every time she passed a train station- maybe that's why I try not to cry when I say goodbyes.

Most of us dipped our hands in the ashes and let them flow into the water where so many memories for so many people related to us were made. 

To be honest, I didn't think I could do that. 

I'm a little weird about touching things (Carl must get it from me- he's the same way). 

But it felt right, digging in and holding them in my hands, letting their ashes dance away in the water glittered with the Mica that gives that part of the lake it's name.  "Two and silk" they always said about each other, and we watched as most of us blended the "two and silk" for a final dip into the cool, clear, glittery water.

My grandparents were special, special people.  Somehow they managed to make each and every one of us 12 grandchildren feel special, capable, and loved beyond imagination.  It could be easy to get lost in a crowd that big, but they never let it happen. 

I believe that much of who I am as a person stems from them- especially my grandma.  Mammy.  She had a style that was enviable, could cook anything, and found joy in many, many little things from baby birds in a nest to feeding picky eaters.

My grandparents enriched our lives immensely.  And we had the benefit of that enrichment yet another summer.

Thank you Mammy and Papa, I hope you enjoyed watching us all frolic in the lake that you made home for so many of us.

Hearing Loss

I have a small confession to make.

My hearing is far from 100%.  Truly.

And I think it's getting worse.

Funny thing is.  I haven't raced out to get it checked, even though it's a little annoying- it's kind of nice.  My house is loud, l o u d, L O U D!  Ok, not the house, the little beings that occupy it.

Case in point, long car rides with 6 people in the king cab of a Ford F350 pick up hauling a travel trailer.  Oh my gosh, it really couldn't be much louder than 4 kids raising their voices trying to be heard over each other or let out the pent up annoyance of being strapped into car seats for hours at a time and the gosh darn dvd players that take an eternity to set up and never seem to work when you need them the most. 

Blissfully their racket was a little dim for me and, since the truck was pre-shoulder strap seat belt era for the middle seats, mama got to sit in the middle front seat next to daddy. 

It was almost like high school again (if I really focused on letting go of the kids' noise) nestled up against my husband.  Almost like riding around in the 1953 ford pick up he had- that his grandpa purchased for his old Texaco station, his dad likely took him mom on dates in, and that he drove me around in during high school.  I loved sitting next to him with his arm around my shoulders or resting in my lap.

And this trip was almost like those days, if only the kids could have been a little more quiet- or my hearing a little more gone...

loss

Today was a hard day.

It didn't help that it was gloomy weather.

But I suppose that matched the mood.

One year ago tomorrow a sweet little girl was suddenly taken from us.

I'll never, ever be the same.

And I'm not her mama.

I know I'm not the only one.

There are so many senses that will never be forgotten in the past year- a year without her.

I'll never, ever forget how small her mama's voice was when she told me how bad things were in the hospital.

I'll never, ever forget her daddy telling me she was gone.

And I'll never, ever forget the incredible wave of sadness that enveloped me and exposed my raw grief- unsensored, in front of my children.

I'll forever be able to close my eyes and watch her little sister walking in circles in the big swimming pool, lost without her big sister to play with.  Her big brother making up excuses to try and get his mama to come back to herself.  Her daddy handling every detail imaginable in an unimaginable circumstance.

I'll forever feel the void in our trips to Cannon Beach, the missing blond braids at the baseball games, the birthday parties. 

I know it's a part of life- circle of life and all.  I know that where she is is far, far better than anyplace I could dream of or imagine.

But it's hard to get over the emptiness.

For a long time I worried who would brush her perfect yellow hair?  Who would give her all the meat she wanted to eat?  Who would hold her hand?  Who would look into her beautiful, soulful, brown eyes and share a giggle over the silly (things the way she did with her mama, siblings, friends, and anyone else who was lucky to experience that)?  Who would show her all the fun things in life?  Who would watch her explore those fun things in life?  Who would read to her?  Who would snuggle her when she needed love?

I felt a hole in my heart bigger than earth.

Again, I'm not her mama.

I worried that her mama wouldn't get the sparkle back in her eyes.

I worried that her little sister wouldn't know how to explore life without her there to guide her.

That her big brother wouldn't have someone to play catch with.

That her daddy wouldn't have a bowling partner.

I've learned so much in this past year.

Her mama did get her sparkle back, and I know she had a big part of that.  She's worked hard to do it for her two other kids.  I think a lot of times it takes a conscious effort.  But the sparkle's there, thank God.

Her sister is dealing with the grief of losing her best friend as only a five year old can... but she's learned to zip around- her sassy little self.
Her brother is working through an enormous change in his family and his own grief, old enough to know exactly what's going on, yet he's doing awesome in all he undertakes and is growing into such a wonderful young man.
Her daddy has shared so much of himself through her, in such a beautiful way.

I wish I knew what do do for them.  I wish I could think of something, anything, to make things just a little easier, a little better for them.  I'm just at a loss.

We're preparing to go back to the place where I learned she was sick, so very sick, then gone- and I'm a little scared it'll be too much.  I'm not sure I'll be able to go back to the place I was when her daddy called.  But I'm trying to move on and dwell on the good things.

I don't allow myself to dwell on the questions and wonderings no one can answer.  I choose to believe that she is surrounded by more glory and beauty and love than we can ever imagine or dream of.  That she can't fathom the sadness of her absence.  That time to her, now, is milliseconds to our lifetimes.

I believe in heaven, in God, and that we'll get to see her before she knows it.  That she is happy, laughing, doing all the things she loves, and enjoying watching all of us down here trying to live a life a little better because of having known her. 

I've learned to allow my children to indulge in sweets, soda, and extravagances when I can.

I've learned to venture outside my gerbil circle and show my kids the wonders of the world we live in.

I've learned to cut loose more and experience life a little more fully.

I play a mean game of Charley bug.

I watch diligently for rainbows.

I try to think of others a little more.

I ran a half marathon and plan to run another.

I try to live a life she would approve of.

That little girl had such an impact on me and my family- and I know we are not alone.

I am far better for having known her- I know I'm not alone, and I believe that she is not alone.  She can feel our love.

I'm so grateful I got to experience a little life with Sweet Charley B.

laundry

Saturdays are so glamorous. 

Especially when Mark's at work.

Can you hear my sarcasm?

I really don't get it.  But there has to be a better way. 

I do at least a load of laundry at least every other day.  There's no slacking off for a week at a time for me.

Yet, this is the monster that I tackled and attempted to tame tonight...

 (The laundry room isn't complete yet- it's going to be pretty one day soon).

In case you wondered what laundry for a family of six might look like.

Really?

Is this necessary?!

Honestly, I was caught up on laundry TWO days ago!

And this doesn't include my laundry, which of course is MINIMAL.

Funny thing is, it's only going to get worse as the kids get bigger

and smellier.

Maybe it's time to train Sarina.  She's the first born.  She should be meticulous.  Plus she's an Aquarius and they're supposed to love order...

I talk big. 

It'll always be me.

I like things folded and sorted a certain way.

Just like I like the dishwasher loaded a certain way.

And the dishes put away just the right way.

Oh man.  I'm a control freak?

And I'm not a first born or an Aquarius.

I better get that cinnamon swirl bread out of the oven and get to bed.  It's just too much for me right now.

Since I'm jumping all over the place anyway, have I said that I LOVE my bread machine?  It makes the house smell so good, even if I can't eat it...

July 11th HcG is complete and I'm celebrating with a skinny girl margarita (or 3).

Enough.  I'm all over the place.

Time for bed.

Sogni D'Oro
(dream of gold in Italian- sounds so much nicer than sleep tight don't let the bedbugs bite- why would you want to think of bugs as you fall asleep?!  I'd much rather think of gold in a beautiful land ahh Italia...:)

Coolest Job

Ok.  I know no one likes a bragger.

But, for a minute I'm going to indulge myself...

I know my job is pretty cool.  I get to check out neat historic buildings and get paid for it.  I enjoy it.  But it's not everyone's cup of tea.

It's got nothing on my husband. 

My husband has the coolest job.

I know I tease him about hanging out at the fire station.  Eating and sleeping and sometimes goofing off. 

"Eat til your sleepy, sleep til you're hungry."

But I also realize that he deals with some nasty stuff.  Some things that would probably make me throw up without being able to sensor myself.  Some things that would give me nightmares.  And some that make me giggle when I think about them 10 years later.

I can't say enough how proud of him I am.

He set a goal to become a firefighter and was willing to do everything in his power to achieve it.

Just after he graduated from college his days were usually- ride his bike from Phinney or nearby to open the Seattle Greenlake Starbucks store in the mornings (4am) then ride his bike to the gym to work out, then ride  from his gym in Freemont to Lake City Way to work at The Boys and Girls Club until all the kids were picked up (around 6pm).

He did this for a year and it was grueling. 

He took every firefighter test he came across. 

He sat in the testing lab and memorized the questions so that he could zip out and instantly review his study materials to find out what he might have missed so he could study harder the next time around.

When our hometown tested it was so great that out of (I think it was) 850 people testing he made it to the final 4 who were hired. 

Can you imagine applying for a job and competing against 850 people?!

I often think of his job in abstract terms.  I don't really see much when we stop in to say hi.

But today he planned to "drill"- I explained to the kids that means practice and said he'd like to see us (really I think he meant the kids- but that's ok:)

So, we stopped by the drill pad (like that I know the lingo?) to see what was going on.

My kids are so lucky.

Not only do they get to sit in a fire engine everytime they see daddy at work, today they got to watch them squirt hoses.  And the word squirt does not do this process justice.

And if you're wondering, yes, those are pajama shorts Elsa is wearing.  I let her dress herself since she's been sporting a fever for 2 days now.  She was wearing a swimsuit cover up over this ensemble just before this picture.

Elsa really wants to operate this.  The boys are checking everything out.

Lucky girl really holds on like a real firefighter.

Another angle of the lucky girl.

The kids getting ready for daddy to do a trick with the spray.

Mr. Handsome there (even if he isn't in his Class B uniform-the bunkers are pretty nice too) getting ready to switch the spray so it fans out like an umbrella. 

Isn't he hunky?  I'm a lucky girl...

There's nothing more sexy than a man who genuinely enjoys his kids, the uniform is nice too.

And yes, I know that I'm down a child.  That lucky kiddo is on night 2 of a sleepover with one of the funnest moms around.  She got to do a 5k at the State Patrol Academy this morning and who knows what other super cool stuff she's done.  I think some of it involved swimming.  Lucky.

Ok, I'm done bragging.

And sorry ladies.  He's taken.

Can't believe I've known him for 25 years.

How did I get old enough for that?!

Teacher Gifts

I always have unrealistic expectations on what I want to accomplish. 

I dream of coming up with something really creative and unusual for every occasion.  Kind of like the kid in Christmas Story.

One of my favorite people always bakes pies for her kids teachers for Thanksgiving.  She does a million other super thoughtful things throughout the year too.

I find it amazing that she's able to get that done in addition to all her own cooking, baking, preparing for the holidays.  But she does and I am 100% certain those teachers really appreciate it.

I googled teacher gifts to see what I could come up with.  One cute idea was a s'mores package (http://oursemihomemadelife.blogspot.com/2009/06/semi-homemade-teacher-gifts.html) it's a cute idea.  And I almost went with it, but knew I'd want to take it further...

Then I was at target the other day and saw these adorable plastic popcorn tubs for $2.  And we all know I have the best caramel corn recipe courtesy of Laney Dineen, my post-college (and sorority sister) roommate's mom who made the most amazing recipe book which includes little stories about when she makes the recipes and where they came from. 

One day I'll get there.

So, I just doubled my caramel corn (also known as Carl's corn) recipe and filled the tubs.  With more than enough to spare for the kids to munch on tomorrow while I'm at work.

And the extras...

Family update.

I have a feeling that Elsa is going to be celebrating her birthday for many days to come.  We seemed to stretch out her birthday long enough.

Her birthday was on Saturday the 18th and unfortunately Mark had to work.  But we still went to visit- after the brand new Station 4 open house- so we could spend a little time with Mark without lots of people needing his attention or asking questions when I knew the kids would just want to play on him like he's the best jungle gym in the world.

And I'll confess, we did toy with the idea of passing off the open house as her birthday party.  Who wouldn't want the Mayor to talk at your birthday party?  They had balloons, and shiny red fire engines.  What more would a kid want?  And at 3 I think she might have believed it...

But we didn't- back to daddy being the best jungle gym in the world.  It's not so professional.  I guess...

It's a beautiful station- and I like to think I know a thing or two about architecture. 

Kudos to the architects.

Here's Elsa wrestling with the headsets in the engine.

The headset won.  You should have seen all the hair it pulled out!!!

The rest of the kids had fun too.  I guess it never gets old hopping into the fire engines.

Here's Charlie trying to think up a good potty talk line to drop on his brother and sisters over the headsets.

Carl showing off his loose tooth.

And cool cat Sarina...

After that we stopped by to zip through grandma's house then off to Red Robin where two angels met me to keep me sane through the adventure of Red Robin with a 9, 6, 4, and just 3 year old. 

And it was crowded in there!

But they sang happy birthday to Elsa. 

That's the whole reason we went there.

I look more excited than she does.  I think it's the most still I have EVER seen that little girl.  She soaked it all in and loved every minute of it.

Now if you saw a Pacifica parked in the Red Robin parking lot around 5:30 on June 18th with blue balloons hanging out the doors.  That was mine.  We packed that car full of the leftover balloons from the fire station open house.  When the doors opened some wandered and I couldn't play the game of stuffing them in when I had kids to chase in the parking lot...  It wasn't intentional...

Then there was Baskin Robbins afterwards.

She's getting so big so fast. 

I like that but I don't. 

She's my baby who hasn't ever really been much of a baby- racing to keep up with her brothers and sister.

Welcome to 3 Miss Elsa Jane. 

And no, you really aren't 5 like you try to tell everyone.

Close Call

I'm guessing that I'm not the only parent who's had numerous close calls with their kids' safety.  Those heart stopping moments where you hold your breath and pray that they're ok.

I remember one especially close call that left me screaming soundlessly and it wasn't in a nightmare.  I was awake and it was real.  Carl and a friend were crossing a parking lot and a car zoomed within inches of them.  I was so terrified it left me reeling for days.  I'm still militant with the kids in parking lots.  People around me must think I'm nuts, constantly barking at them to stay next to me or to have their hands on the car.

This morning as I was getting myself and the kids ready for the day.  I let them play in the pole barn Mark's building on an amazing little vehicle called "the green machine."  They laid eyes on it and have not been able to part with it for more than minutes ever since.  Carl was literally asking at 6:15am if he could go out and ride it.

I said ok then saw him taking off for the barn and tried to talk him into just riding around the driveway but really, why settle for exposed aggregate driveway when there's a whole pole barn with nice smooth concrete just calling your name.

I figured that my nervousness about someone swooping by to grab him on their way to work was just being over protective and let him go as long as he checked in periodically.

What I didn't expect was that Charlie would follow him out there and decide to try and ride the back hoe from Mark's tractor (that's currently detached) like a bronco.

As I was done with my primping, Sarina's lunch was all packed, her hair was done, the kids had breakfast and their morning ovaltine (moo-moops for those who know) and I still had minutes to spare before the bus came. 

I felt pretty good about myself. 

Not to mention the kids were already outside getting fresh air.

Then Sarina comes racing from the barn, frantic.  All I could make out was "Charlie" and "barn."  She was crying and clearly terrified.

I ran as fast as my long skirt and flip flops allowed and found Charlie stumbling toward me with one shoe on- sobbing.

I checked him from head to toe and didn't see any blood or protruding bones. 

Then I understood his foot had been caught...

He must have used the levers and moved them just enough to pinch the side of his Romeo boot. 

I tried pulling it out but couldn't budge it. 

And I think I'm pretty strong.  Hefting around 50 lb bags of chicken and dog food from time to time doesn't make for a complete wimp.

Thank God he was wearing those shoes.  Most of the time he's running around barefoot.

I'm trying not to think about "What if..." 

It took me a good 45 minutes to stop shaking and for my heart rate to go back to normal.

You always hear terrifying stories about kids and big equipment.  Grandpa Charlie was just talking about how he had his leg caught in rototiller when he was little.  Who doesn't have a grandparent who lost a family member on a tractor accident?

It's one of those things about living in the country. 

Absolutely terrifying. 

But I try not to be too obsessed, just cautious.  I want all my babies to keep their limbs and digits.

And this was too good not to share.

UPDATE

Here's the shoe after it was liberated from the clutches of that nasty old back hoe:

And I'm still SO grateful that for some strange reason he put his shoes on that day to go outside and play.  Most days he's zipping around like Shoeless Joe Jackson.

Phew!


Here's Elsa.  It's 60 degrees outside.  She's sporting one of her brother's cleats and one of her sister's "ugg" boots. 

Ahhh, to be 2 almost 3 with the wind blowing through your hair as your swimsuit falls around your waist and your neighbor's trampoline calls your name...

And I must say, dinner tonight was awesome.  I made refried bean taquitos (a can of refried beans, two salad spoon sized spoonfuls of southwestern salsa and a sprinkle of cheese rolled in a flour tortillas-10- and baked at 400).  They gobbled it up- all 4 of them!  And that's RARE.  I served it with dipping sauce of the salsa and some of my sour cream, ranch dressing, taco seasoning and milk concoction.

For me, it was a cup of purple cabbage, an orange and a talapia fillet broiled with garlic salt and fresh ground pepper dressed with balsamic vinegar and Frank's hot sauce.  Just 4 days of 500 calories left...

Mark gets firehouse chili.  Lucky.

A Stranger At The Door

Hebrews 13:2
Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

I love that verse from the Old Testament.  My mom has it on a plaque next to her front door.  And I love when it's discussed in church.  I LOVE the idea of getting to entertain an angel and doing so beautifully.

Tonight as I was bracing myself to start the bathtime/stories/bedtime marathon, someone rang our doorbell. 

I live out in the boonies on 5 acres, but it's only the second house off the freeway...

This seems to happen most often when my husband's on a 24 hour shift and I feel a little nervous anyway.  (One night it was a woman who was missing more fingers than she actually had, not to mention missing teeth...  Did I say we're en route to Shelton?)

Since I didn't see a car I figured it was my neighbor, sweet Kelly or one of her kids.  So I opened the door without hesitation.

But it wasn't Kelly or one of her kids.  It was a man, a little odd looking, holding an empty gallon water jug nervously explaining that his car had broken down and he needed water for it.

I have all 4 kids clustered around me at the door and am trying to not be too obvious as I keep them from spilling out onto the porch.  And of course one is only half dressed...

I think they could sense my fear because they were ALL OVER ME.

I took the jug, closed the door leaving the man on the porch, then walked in to the kitchen to fill his water jug.

The kids are chattering, "Is that man poor?"  "Is he a bad guy?"  And I'm trying to shush them so he doesn't hear their questions.

I give him the jug and wish him luck with his car and he wishes me luck back.  Nervous response or just odd- I'm not sure.  I couldn't help but notice that he stared a little too long at my chest when he took his water bottle...

I don't like that I have a suspicious feeling when a stranger comes to my door.  I feel like a bad person for assuming that someone evil is going to burst into my house and hurt me or my children.  Is it society or is it paranoia?  Too much television news?

I want to see a person in need and come to their aid without hesitation.  Why do I question their motives and intentions?  Surely in biblical times there were rapists and murderers, yet they seemed to try and outdo each other entertaining strangers.

Of course if it were my child, friend, or relative, I'd want them helped when in need. 

So, while I'm a little leery- I try to help as I can. 

Because what if it IS an angel and I just don't know?

Taco Salad

Before I get to the recipe a little dinnertime story.

Last night Carl requested that we say prayers before dinner.  (Sarina went through that phase too- it's so endearing).

So, Carl starts it off with an angelic smile.  "Thank you God for my beautiful family.  My beautiful dad, mom, sisters and brother."  I think that's how it went.

Then Charlie chimes in (actually before Carl could finish) "Thank you God for the beautiful naked ladies." 

What?!

Then they both giggle.

Oh my.  What's in store for us..?

The girls also added their prayers but more appropriately than Mr. Charlie (Sarina sang the Apple Seed prayer and Elsa made something up.)

Now for dinner.

I'm making taco salad for dinner tonight and it reminded me that a friend I recently took dinner to (while she recovered from surgery) requested the recipe...

Taco Salad Schreck Style

ground beef (however much you like- right now I'm browning 4.11lbs because it freezes well and is easy for meals down the road either at the fire station for Mark or home)  I season it with Costco's taco seasoning mix- one of these days I'll try the America's Test Kitchen taco seasoning recipe- I hear it's super yummy).

For the salad I usually combine:
1 can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 can corn - I buy the crisp sweet something or other in a short fat can- the name escapes me
cucumber sliced
red, yellow, or orange bell pepper sliced up
black olives
lettuce (again whatever's on hand- tonight it's romaine, sometimes it's field greens, sometimes it's plain old iceburg which has such a nice crunch even if there is no nutritional value)
shredded cheese (colby, jack, cheddar- whatever's on hand)
I really like to add a couple of hard boiled eggs- I know it sounds weird but my mom made it that way (I think) and it's how I like it.  My kids on the other hand cannot stand hard boiled eggs so those get omitted:(

dressing:
This I just eyeball.  I mix up sour cream with a little milk to make it a good dressing consistency.  To that I add some ranch mix (I like Uncle Dan's) and more of the taco seasoning- to taste.  If I'm feeling fancy and have it on hand I'll add a couple spoonfuls of salsa.  And if I'm wanting it spicy I'll add some hot sauce (Tabasco or Franks either works).

Mix the salad with the dressing.

When I serve it I crush up some Doritos (fancy I know- you can use some more fancy chips if you like- those Chipotle Cheese rice and bean chips would be good too)

Top the chips with some of the salad

Add some cheese

Then some meat.

Buon Appetito.  Wait, that's Italian.  I don't remember the Spanish version.  Enjoy.  That's better.

Hasta luego.

Oh yeah, I'm still doing HcG.  I've lost 13 lbs and am nearing the home stretch on the injections.  Just 3-4 more of injections then 3 days of 500 calories.  After that is 3 weeks of no sugar or starches.  I'm holding steady, and have yet to cheat once.:)  Plus I've been exercising every other day.  First my 5 mile run/walk, then Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30, then spin class, and today Jillian again.  Thank God Jillian gets a tad bit easier on the second run through- that's one tough 30 minute stretch!

Strawberries the second time around

Last night was a rare night when Mark and I went to bed early, at 11:00 at night I hear something in the boys room but ignore it thinking someone was shuffling around in there.

Not long after I hear the "Maaamaaaaaa" call.  You know when you hear that call someone's sick.  I raced in there afraid of what I'd encounter. 

Charlie groaned that he "throwed up."  As I reached for him to pull him off the top bunk, his little shoulder brushed my mouth. 

Of course that was the shoulder COVERED IN VOMIT! 

Smeared    all     over     my     mouth!!!!

I pinched my lips together and raced him to the bathroom to clean us both up.

I'll admit it.  I scrubbed my mouth THOROUGHLY before tacking his little vomit soaked pjs and getting him cleaned up. 

Of course then I changed all his bedding and got him all nestled back in hoping that was the end of it. 

But he had more. 

I had no idea one little belly could hold so much. 

That was the thought in my head as I was gagging but trying to hide it while he wretched into the toilet.  The poor guy was awesome thank God we raced to the potty in time.

It's my fault.  I let him eat a TON of strawberries and cool whip for dessert.  He blew through his, had seconds, then ate Carl's whole dessert.  It was one of the rare times I wasn't monitoring how much he was eating for dessert.  I decided to let him decided when he was done. 

Oops. 

I guess there's a fine line between monitoring and letting him learn his limit.

Poor baby.

It reminds me of a time I spent the night with my grandma (of the Golden Rule fame) and she let me eat a whole jar of dry roasted peanuts.  It was years- maybe a decade- before I'd touch a dry roasted peanut again.

I wonder if Charlie would eat a strawberry tomorrow...

Already?!

This was actually drafted yesterday...

When did this little angel turn into such a big girl?

I swear it happened over night.

Maybe I was in denial but I truly forgot that there was a stage called the Tweens.

I'm really not ready for this stage. It's a warning that my little girl won't be little much longer and I feel like I just got her. I remember holding her in the daze of first-time-mama-blur thinking, she's mine. We made her and this little person was created 1/2 Mark and 1/2 me. It was so amazing I remember it taking my breath away.

Fast forward 9 short (yes a lot has been packed into them but they still feel like short) years.

Now I have a little girl experimenting with strong emotions everytime I turn around.

And it's really tough to let roll off my back.

I try to be a pretty neutral person- there are enough hotheads out there to color the world- I like safe.

Did you know I was a Middle Child?

I've tried to keep the word "hate" out of my kids vocabulary. Now I hear it all the time. "I HATE my hair!". "That SUCKS!". "It's so DUMB!". Over what seems to me like the most trivial things.

Cognitively, I know it's practice for the curve balls life will throw her way. So I take a deep breath and let it go. It's so very hard for me...

Yes, I'm still on my wacky diet. I've lost 11 lbs so far but am looking for another 10. My naturopath said I could exercise and it would boost the weightloss. Initially I considered trying Jillians Ripped In 30 but my practical thinking husband suggested I got for a walk instead. Of course, a half marathoner such as myself has a little pride... So I did a nice hilly 5 mile (ok almost- 4.92 to be exact) walk/run. It was decent I did it in an hour which I don't think is too bad considering how long it's been since I last ran (May 15th if you're curious) and my 2 straight weeks at 500 calories.

I just finished weeding a SMALL portion of my yard and am enjoying a little sunshine and birdsong before Mark gets home with the kids.

It's a beautiful day.

Definitely one to sing our praises.

I know I lead a blessed life.

Chicken Sh*% Everywhere

Just as I completed wiping out our new, clean garage fridge post defrosted chicken wing goo spill (gag!), I'm inside washing my hands trying not to be OCD.  In strolls precious angel Elsa holding her hand out to me.

If you look closely at her pointer finger you'll see a nice treat...

Chicken poop!!!

"I wanted to eat it."  she says matter of factly.  "It wasn't yucky."  She finishes with her trademark Elsa little all knowing head shaking. 

Massive gag.

We washed hands.

We sanitized.

About her mouth, I'm at a loss.  I just hope that chicken poop isn't toxic and the fish tacos help to cleanse her little mouth. 

YUCK!!!

And yes, I'm still doing HcG.  Yesterday was almost torture.  I had to turn down fresh Hood Canal shrimp on the bbq, steamer clams, Wingdome sauced chicken wings, an amazing looking "Bacon Explosion" wrapped sausage, yummy brats, broccoli salad, homemade mac and cheese, and a cake that looked to die for- chocolate with a layer of caramel topped with a homemade marshmallow whipped icing courtesy of Robin Baldwin's grandma.  AHHHHH!!!

But I did it.:)

(Robin- I still want her recipe)

So far, 8+ lbs.  Enough progress to want to keep going.  I'll be the college weight me soon enough.  I'm excited to see what an older version of that body looks like...  I know it won't be the same but less discouraging than before the super crazy diet.

Clean House or Happy Kids

I read a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt in a recent Real Simple magazine, "the only advantage in not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are."

A lot of you out there should feel how very much better you are than me.

I look at the dust on the shelves and the fur gathered in bits under the tables and hiding in corners-enough to cover a small dog. 

I see the spots of milk that didn't get wiped up quickly enough to prevent them from seeping into the wood- leaving polka dots, evidence of the trail of a leaky sippy cup like the bread crumbs in Hansel and Gretel. 

That's a milk polka dot, if you look really closely you can see one of the small rodents worth of dog hair in the upper part of the picture.  It's a popular dog hair migration location.  Funny I should know those spots...?

Then I think of the kids playing catch with Mark.  Brushing Sarina's hair and fixing it in ponytails.  I see the kids having a dance party in the living room (sometimes I join in, sometimes Mark is invited to a "wedding dance" with his first little girl).  Reading Mother Goose to kids who still enjoy the rhymes.

There are trails of soap in the bathroom sinks, bits of toilet paper shredded by a two year old sitting on the potty waiting to be wiped, stacks of laundry that still haven't been put away even though they've been pillaged repeatedly for a new day's wardrobe.

And I know that my kids are happy.  They have a mama and daddy who love them more than anything in this world.

Dirty house, happy kids, dirty house, happy kids, dirty house, happy kids, dirty house, happy kids.

And all you people out there get to feel better than me because you vacuum, dust, scrub toilets and sinks on a regular basis.  Enjoy friends, I admit it.  I can't think of the last time I changed everyones sheets and have no idea the last time a vacuum was used upstairs. 

Oh well. 

Life is short and soon enough it will all be spic and span... 

I think...

This coming from a girl who used to fold and re-fold all her sweaters so they stacked perfectly just like in the Gap.  A girl who SWORE that everything would be spic and span at all times, whatever the cost.  A girl who could have never imagined living in a house as dusty and cluttered as mine is (let alone the chicken poop smeared on a naked little girl's belly- ack!).  But the dust is evidence of life and clutter is part of a full house.  Chicken poop, well- ewwww!!  I embrace it all the messiness of it.

As for HcG, I've lost 3 1/2 lbs so far.  Today I had an Americano in the morning, an orange before I made everyones lunch, a cup of chopped purple cabbage, 100 g chicken sauteed in water with oregano, chili powder, and garlic salt dressed with balsamic vinegar and Franks hot sauce and 1/2 a brown rice cake for lunch.  I sweet talked Mark into making me another Americano mid afternoon.  For dinner I had 100g Talapia (now I'm not sure if it's an ok fish...) baked with garlic salt and fresh ground pepper over 2 cups loosely packed butter lettuce and 1/2 cup blueberries dressed with... you guessed it balsamic vinegar and Franks.  Not bad.  I'm feeling ok.  But I need to buy more garlic salt.:)

My energy is good, today I planted two massive pots my mom gave me.  First filled them 2/3 of the way with bricks then with dirt I hauled around the house in a wheelbarrow.  I didn't feel super sleepy mid day like I usually do. 

So far, so good.

One day at a time.

HcG day 5

Well, not any real change yet.  I did eat a fair amount while spending the weekend with my awesome college roommate over the weekend.  She and her husband sweetly prepared some nice rich food for me.  Pasta puttanesca, blueberry pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs, yummy turkey sandwich on homemade wheat bread, chicken pot pie, and such moist sweet brownies- all a girl could hope for when giving up sugar for the next 44+ days (unless it was some Sweet Charley B's).

I'm now on day 2 of the 500 calories. 

Yesterday was travel day home from Eugene so it was a little tough.  I had a couple of cups of black coffee in the morning.  An orange and half a brown rice cake at 11.  100 grams of pre-cooked prawns (bought at the grocery store and nicely weighed for me) and Starbucks refresh tea at 1pm.  An apple and 1/2 brown rice cake at 4pm (before making dinner) and 2 cups loosely packed salad greens with balsamic vinegar and 100g prawns sauteed in water with garlic salt and fresh ground pepper for dinner.  At night a cup of nighty night tea.  I wasn't able to get in my 1cup of veggies at lunch on the drive so I skipped it.

Today has included a lovely Americano my husband kindly made me this morning.  An orange at 10:30am, 2 cups loosely packed salad greens with balsamic vinegar, and prawns sauteed in water with garlic salt and fresh ground pepper and 1/2 a brown rice cake.  Pre-dinner fruit will be 1/2 cup blueberries.  For dinner I'm thinking chicken breast with mexican seasonings, shredded cabbage, and a grassino.  I have a little heartburn- maybe because of the vinegar.

I'm not starving, just think about food a little too much- but that's how I always seem to be- planning meals for this herd takes a LOT of thought and prep.  Especially when packing 2 school lunches, trying to make sure dinner is on the table by 5:30pm each night, and sometimes (but not as often as I like) packing 24hrs worth of food for Mark. 

I wish I could get  a commission on the Epilator sales.  Thanks to Sweet Kelly's introduction- I've had two friends get their own.  The pain and price of beauty made sweeter by sharing with friends.:)

Tonight the rest of the family is having tacos.  I am looking forward to trying out America's Test Kitchen recipe for taco seasoning- I've heard rave reviews.  But for tonight it's the costco seasoning on ground beef, Jen Valdenegro's refried beans (reefers simmered with green chilies, milk and cheese), home fried tortilla shells, shredded lettuce and cheese, sour cream and hot sauce.  The family eats it pretty well so they'll be well fed.

Here's to quacky pounds and inches!

I'm a sucker, I know it.

I'll admit.  I'm a sucker. 

I fall for all kinds of things. 

In college there was some guy going around offering workshops to improve your memory.  I signed up (it cost as much as one month of my rent).  The school canceled the event before the guy could cash our checks. 

It's probably a good thing.  My memory is terrible, no workshop would fix that...

Probably one of my husband's favorites, he STILL brings it up, was the broom that vacuumed up what it swept.  Seriously, sounded great!  I was always sweeping our house and could never find a dustpan.  Seemed like the perfect solution to me.  I saw it on the Today Show, so it had to work... right?  Oh yeah, it was also endorsed by Good Housekeeping (whatever that means...  now I know that it doesn't mean much).

Nope.  It was terrible, and way too expensive for a broom.

Can you hear my more cynical husband teasing, "It's a broom, it's a vacuum, it's a broom, no it's a vacuum"...  Oh boy.  That was returned...

But I have high hopes for this one. 

I'm on day 1 of the hcG diet.  It sounds SUPER quacky (even the required reading book Pounds And Inches is WACKO!)  but I've heard about great results from numerous sources. 

So, I'm giving it a shot.

Hey, I've had 4 lovely little cherubs and nursed each one.  I feel like my metabolism is out of whack and this claims to reign it in.

I don't lead a sedentary life- I really don't know how that's possible with a big family- I eat moderately healthy and exercise at least 2-3 times a week- sometimes more.  Heck I just finished a 1/2 marathon!  I'm not a couch potato.  Yet, I don't lose any weight.  I've tried the Fiber Diet (suggested for me based on a quiz in Women's Health Magazine- told you I'm a sucker) that didn't work.  I tried P90X and it was awesome!  But the second I stopped, it all came back and won't leave. 

So, here's the deal.  I give myself a shot (yup- even give myself shots here) one time a day for 23 days of hcG.  Ready for this, hcG is a hormone found in pregnant women's urine.  You'd think I've had enough of that by now...

Days 1-3
I (yes, I know it sounds wacko) eat fatty food until I'm really full.  This is supposed to shock my body into using the hcG to fight the fat.  Whatever.  I'm not scientific so most of that goes over my head.  I hear it works, people!  They also say that I really do need to do this otherwise I'll have severe hunger the first week.  So, I NEED to stuff my face with my favorite foods to make me less hungry later.  Rules are rules.

Days 4-23 (up to 30)
I continue with the shots plus a pretty strict 500 calorie diet.  The hcG is supposed to suppress the hunger and this time period is supposed to detox all the junk in my system and reset everything (habits, metabolism, etc).

The Diet:
All the black coffee, unsweetened tea, water I want.
2 fruits (they're detailed which ones and how much)
2 veggies (also detailed)
2 starches (1/2 rice cracker, 1 Melba toast, 1 grassini) I may go with rice cracker since it's a chance to eliminate gluten
2 100g servings of lean protein
I can combine any of those in any way I want except only 1serving at a meal. 

For example one day is:
cup of tea/coffee for breakfast (no biggie for me, I don't usually eat breakfast), an orange for mid morning snack, lunch is 7 prawns and 2 cups of salad greens with balsamic vinegar, and a grassini.  Mid afternoon snack is an apple and 1/2 rice cake.  Dinner in 100g chicken (about 1 1/2 chicken breast tenders) with 1 cup shredded cabbage and taco seasonings.  Then cup of tea before bed.

If I'm at my target weight at the end of this then I stop the shots and continue the 500 calories for 3 more days.  If I want to continue I can go a week longer then stop the shots and continue the 500 calories for 3 more days from there.

This diet averages 1/2-1 lb a day.  I can do most anything for a 1/2 to a pound of weight loss a day.  Or so I think when I'm in the "gorging" phase.:)

Then for 3 weeks I eat whatever I want except sugar and starches.  Then...  I'm cured!   ???

So, I have a naturopath who is supervising this (did I mention I have 4 kiddos to consider?  I'm not going to COMPLETELY risk my health for beauty).  I saw her yesterday and she watched me give myself a B12 shot- just to practice.

And today I did my quick poke.  I'll admit, I don't want Sarina to know what I'm doing, so I'm trying to hide the pokes.  It feels a little like I'm a drug addict...

This morning I weighed out my lean protein and put them in individual baggies so I can quickly grab them to prepare my meals. 

And I had Sarina take my before pictures.  Yuck.  So, correction, she knows I'm doing a diet but I don't want her to see the needles.

For breakfast I had a costco Energy Bar with Omega 3 blah blah blah.  Mid morning I had 3 farm fresh eggs fried in butter on a toasted piece of Dave's Killer Bread with one mini Babybel cheese and some sweet hot mustard (made me feel a little sick). 
For lunch I'll have a gardenburger burrito.
For dinner I'm planning Taco Truck chicken burrito with avocado and cheese between Sarina's gymnastics lesson and Carl's baseball game.  I'll probably eat 2/3s of it (I usually try to eat just 1/2).
And I think I'll try tea tonight to start the habit when I'm not feeling super hungry.

Wish me luck and I'll let you know how it goes. 

Might be a few days before I post again. 

We'll see.

Mind Over Body...?

I've had a few people tell me they didn't know I was a runner. 

Before Sunday I would have said I wasn't. 

I wanted to be.  On some people it looks great, they zip along with their thin yet muscled legs, looking like they could go on forever.  Who wouldn't want to be that person?!

Here's my story...

January 3rd I did a crazy thing and said I'd run the Capital City Half Marathon.  Of course I'd be tempted to run it for Sweet Charley B.  I zipped off full of determination, googled Capital City Marathon and completed the registration right away. 

What I didn't know was that there was a Capital City Half Marathon in OHIO!  That happened to the one that, in my nervous haste, I signed up for.  I realized my mistake that night and was able to unregister for that one and register for the Olympia Capital City Half Marathon. 

Phew!

I will say that the Ohio one looked way more friendly (they sent me all kinds of friendly emails leading up to the big day) and way more flat.:/

Between January 3rd and May 15th I tried to enjoy running.  I did do a couple of runs outside- Sweet Kelly lead me on a nice trail run around our houses- my longest run in that time span.  Mark and I even went for a couple of runs together.  Of course his legs are a tiny bit longer than mine and he's in WAY better shape than I'll ever be, he has been known to be called an elite athlete... 

But most of my running was on a treadmill, at 24 hour fitness, while the kids were in the childcare center there.  I thought that I preferred the treadmill.  I could control my speed, incline, monitor my pace, etc.  But it was so hard for me. 

I didn't enjoy it. 

It felt like a chore. 

I could never go more than 5 miles and then it was playing games with myself.  I'll run at 8.0 for 2 minutes then walk at 3.5 for a minute then jog at 6.0.  All that mental energy trying to figure out how I was going to go the farthest the fastest took away from the experience.  Needless to say, my running was sporadic and left me so tired the rest of the day.

Along comes May 14th and I see the cool red shirt for the 1/2 marathon and I wanted to earn it.  I wanted to be able to wear it with pride.  I also wanted to be able to say that I did it.  And I did it for Charley B. So my gentle bully friends worked together and encouraged me to walk/run the half. 

The walk part of the offer made it feel do-able for me. 

So, I said I would.

The morning of the half marathon, I picked up two of my favorite people and headed down to Sylvester Park.  There we met up with other amazing friends. 

I felt like a complete schmuck for telling one friend I was only doing the 5 (a couple weeks prior) so, organized person that she is, she downgraded her registration to the 5.  Of course procrastinator that I am, I planned to do it the morning of the marathon, then changed my mind at 7pm the night before and decided to stick it out on the 1/2.  So, she re-registered for the half and Brooke, Arel and I pledged to walk/run the half. 

I still thought I'd walk more than run but also wanted to put in my best effort.

We started running a nice moderate pace.  I found I could talk and it didn't hurt.  So I was game to keep going.  Keep in mind the most I had EVER run in my LIFE was 6 miles before the day of the half marathon.

We brisk walked some of the hills but ended up running MOST of the half (Brooke thinks less than a mile was walked).  The company was wonderful.  The scenery was beautiful.  And I couldn't have asked for a better experience. 

Yes, it was pouring and I was drenched. 

But I did it for the most wonderful family in the world.  I did it for Sweet Charley B, and her mama, and her daddy, her big brother Sam and little sister Georgie Lou.  I think she filled my sails with the wind I needed.

It helped that the landscape was so lush, green, with spring flowers and flowering trees.  We went through some historic neighborhoods and I so enjoyed getting to see them at a pedestrian pace.  So much of my time travelling around is zipping as fast as I can go so I don't get to see the lily-of-the-valley in bloom, or the fields behind the houses. 

And through the course I got 2 hours and 51 minutes (we did have a long potty stop in that time...) to talk about whatever popped into my head with two women who have the most kind and generous hearts.  It was blissful.  Yes, I called running the half marathon blissful.  I really enjoyed the experience.


(I can't figure out how to get us all to show on the blog here-it's in my facebook if you want to see the picture)

Now, what will this mean for the future? 

I have no idea. 

I love the idea of running more than before. 

I'll have to see if I can do it outside from time to time to keep a little bit of stamina and try registering for another.  But it'll have to be with friends.  Friends who can deal with a slow but steady 13 minute mile pace.  Tortoise and the hare, baby.  I'm the tortoise, but I did it.  And I don't say it often, but I'm really proud of myself.

It's amazing what our bodies can do.  Mine has grown and nourished 4 beautiful babies.  I can even still carry all of them (not all at the same time- maybe 2 at a time if they cooperate and hold on...).  My body has done other wonderful things too, but now I can add complete 1/2 marathon to the list of wonders. 

Maybe I could be a runner, though I doubt anyone would watch me and think I look graceful doing it, or anyone watching me would want to be me out there huffing along...  Still, for that feeling of accomplishment, I just might do it again.

I am grateful I have the good fortune of health so that I could do it. 

That and a couple of wonderful gentle bullies to help me along.

A husband who encouraged me.

And two little boys who wanted to know if I "won the race" the second I pulled into the garage.

I am so lucky to get to live this wonderful life.